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Nowish Redoux

[ website | Out Of Character Journal ]
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[30 Oct 2005|04:19pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

This has been an amazing night, well once we got past me freaking out that Wesley was hurt. I never thought I would be so scared of losing somoene as I was last night. Just two months ago I was trying to learn how to control my magicks, grieving over Tara and wondering if I could ever be loved again, and then Wesley comes along, when I am at my weakest makes me happy, all over again.

I know that everyone has been a big part of this, they have all tried to make me smile, and heck even Cordy some what suceeded in making me smile, though I think the things she made me buy were too much, but I wasn't complaining anymore. I just wanted to be me again, the happy girl who loved research, that me. I know that Wesley is on his way to making me that again, waking up the sleeping side of me inside.

I needed though, to get out of our room. All I did was hide in here and pray that Wesley would come check on me from time to time and I was honestly tired of that. After a nice long hot shower and getting dressed I made my way from the room to the lobby. No one seemed to be around, so I took some books from Wes' office and curled up on the couch. I didn't have anything real to research, but I always loved to read so why stop now. Atleast I will until someone comes along to distract me.

[[open to anyone]]

19 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[24 Oct 2005|12:32pm]

The moment I've been working toward for weeks is finally here. Soon Daniel Holtz will be among the living again and Angel will be running scared. I did a lot of research on this Holtz guy and he seems to have a huge bone to pick with Angel. After all, it was Angelus who murdered Holtz's family, and turned his daughter into a soulless creature.

I stand in the cemetery and wait for Gavin to show. If I didn't need help with the spell, I would have never asked him to come, but he's needed. As long as he doesn't take credit for my idea then we should be fine.

Turning around, I look at the supplies I have laid out. The goat, which I need for the sacrifice, makes some ungodly noise and I sneer at it. Gavin better hurry up.

((Open to Gavin and Holtz))
1 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[08 Sep 2005|02:47pm]

[ mood | cranky ]

The bar I'm suppose to meet Gavin in is a dive. When I step in, my pumps stick to the floor and I shudder with disgust. Just because most of the patrons are bikers doesn't mean they have to be sloppy with their housekeeping. The waitress, who looks like she's been around the block or two, asks me if I want anything to drink. I'm almost afraid to say yes. Hard telling if they ever wash their glasses.

I finally order a vodka on ice and watch the waitress go back to the bar. Checking my watch, I sigh. Gavin is late. I hate lateness. There's so much to do and when people are late, they put me behind on the things I need to do. And time isn't on our side at the moment. We need to raise Holtz as soon as possible.

Holtz. The one person who might've hated Angel as much as I do. Granted, it really wasn't Angel but Angelus but who cares? I'm sure Holtz will be more than willing to help our cause. Hopefully the book I took from that coven will work. It's black magic but hey, I work for Wolfram and Hart. I've seen plenty of darkness.

The waitress brings my drink back and places it in front of me. Examining the glass, I see it's fairly clean so I take a long drink. The vodka tastes cheap and it burns my throat. I sigh and look toward the door again, wondering where Gavin is.

((Open to Gavin))

4 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[11 Aug 2005|12:27am]

There had been an unspoken acknowledgement between me, myself, and I, that moving into the hotel had fully and undeniably prepared me 100% for fatherhood. I realize it was an odd thing to be mulling over in my head continually, but being put on Connor duty nearly 24/7 had given me enough practice in these things. Well, don't get me wrong of course, having children of my own was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do, save for getting my horns ripped out or my eyes prodded with hot metal pokers. But caring for Angel's infant son had given me the sort of life experience that I obviously never expected to use.

Admittedly though, I couldn't help but love the little nipper. He was good company after all-- he never judged me for my taste in clothing, never told me I was drinking too much vodka, and he always seemed to smile when I sang him to sleep. But he just wasn't one to hold a conversation. I guess that'd just have to wait until he was older.

Oftentimes, when I was holding this little bundle of Demon Spawn Joy in my arms, I wondered what my old drinking buddies would think of me. Turning in my microphone for a baby bottle, singing nursery rhymes instead of showtunes. I'm sure i'd definately be laughingstock, but I honestly didn't care. I hung up my sequins for a better cause, and that was to help Angel out when he needed me. Unfortunately for me, the 'help' usually entailed the changing of diapers and waking up at god awful hours of the morning to heat up a bottle. But, such is life, and thankfully, Connor wouldn't be an infant his whole life.

Pondering all of this as I lie on the lobby couch, Connor nestled in my arms ontop of my chest, I slowly began to drift off to sleep. Childcare was an exhausting, even daunting task, and I felt a small catnap was justified. The sound of Connor's playful cooing was enough of a lullaby to escort me safely into dreamland.
Rewrite The Season

Learning to be comfortable [06 Aug 2005|06:11pm]

[ mood | confused ]

So Wesley says that the outfit isn't too much, that I don't have to do anything for him, but I don't like being this timid. I was finally to a point where I could be happy with myself and now I am terrified that I look like a tramp in this outfit. I mean it isn't like I am going out in it, it isn't like I would ever wear this for anyone else, I would only wear it for someone I love like Wesley, so why is it so hard to relax? I finally had to ask him, how did he know that this wasn't too much, and how could he be so relaxed.

"H--How do you K--Know? How can you..know that this isn't too much?"

I asked softly. It was odd really, Wesley could make me feel things that I never thought possible. Part of me wanted to throw him down and have my way with him, and the other part of me just wanted him to take me slowly and make love to me all night. I didn't think that either were going to happen, but who knows. One thing I did know is that I couldn't make these feelings go away the way he made me so hot, the way my breathing would always escalate when he touched me, it was all more than I could handle, yet also more than I could fight. I wanted him, and I wanted all of him.

He had been through an ordeal tonight, so if we were to do anything it would be completely up to him. It would have to be based on did he think his body could handle it. I personally didn't think he could, but he did eat everything that I made him and he did get some rest so I suppose we could, but all in all I wasn't counting on it. Right now all I wanted to do was for him to touch me, to let me know that he doesn't think I am a horrible person, or that I don't look like a...slut in this.

[[open for Wesley to work his magic]]

22 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

Does he want Angel? [19 Jul 2005|07:25pm]

[ mood | worried ]

I couldn't believe what I just heard. He kissed Angel, it was a result of the poison and that he loved me. I saw the bites on his neck, it nearly made me ill. I wanted to walk over to Angel and give him a piece of my mind, but there was no time for that. Now I needed to take care of Wesley.

I helped Wesley up and made our way to our room. I still had to make him something to eat, something to build the iron back up in him. Once I had him in the bed and comfortable I quickly left the room to make him dinner. Luckily someone had bought groceries, so I had enough to make dinner for an army. I made him a steak and baked potato and some veggies as well as a nice brewed tea. I think I had it all set up just the way he liked it so I carried the tray to the room and set it out on the table before helping him to a chair.

"I hope you like it"

I said softly. He insisted that I didn't need to do this for him, but right now, I needed to keep busy. As long as I didn't have to think about Angel and Wesley kissing and did he like it and did he want more. What worried me most is did they want each other and would Cordy and I end up alone. I couldn't hold back the questions anymore, I had to know, I had to know if he wanted Angel.

"Do you want to kiss Angel again? I mean do you want him instead of me?"

I asked bluntly and quickly without even sitting down.

[[open to my sexy british man...I mean Wesley]]

25 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[16 Jul 2005|10:23pm]

I carry Wes in the front doors of the hotel and lay him on the couch. He's breathing, just unconscious... I tried to be careful and not drink to much... but I couldn't let the poison just stay in his blood stream. And if that was all there was to it, I wouldn't feel the crushing guilt. But no, I enjoyed it.. the blood, even in spite of the bitter poison. Rich, human, warm blood. I drunk my best friend's blood... and I enjoyed it.

And there was more. But I don't think I should think about that. What's Wes gonna do when he wakes up and the poison has warn off? God, what if he thinks I took advantage?... God! What am I going to tell Cordy!?

I sit down next to Wes on the couch and prop my head up in my hands waiting for him to wake up.
32 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[09 Jul 2005|09:13pm]

[ mood | busy ]

After shopping at Victoria's Secrets, we drove passed Kitson. You know I had to park and drag her in. I bought a couple of Junk Food Tees, a couple of jeans and some Chick shirts. Hey, if you go shopping with me, expect to do actual shopping.

Anyway, after Kitson I took us to the Olive Garden. Can you say, starving? We had to feed our bellys.

The hostess was really nice and gave us a booth by the window.

Willow looked a little more refreshed than she has in a few days. I was glad she was breaking out of that shell. Even, if it was only for today.

"So, are you having a good time, so far?" I smiled.

[[open to Willow]]

16 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

I don't want to get up... [01 Jul 2005|06:07pm]

"Fred," I whispered in her ear, "we should get up. Show people that you're mostly ok." I kissed her ear, then her neck, breathing in the smell of her hair. The bed was warm, and the room was filled with the smell of our love. Nothing sweeter, except maybe her hair.

"You know Angel, love. He's going to come up here, and break in the door, sooner or later. Just to make sure you're ok." I could hold this in. I could live with this.

I've killed. I just never wanted her to feel the pain of it (she's mortally wounded people, but I'm thinking no one told her, I sure as hell didn't). But I'd never let the worry show in my eyes. When I looked at her, in her eyes, in fact, anywhere, all that anyone, including Fred would ever see from me, was love.

She's my girl, and that's all there is to it. I went to sit up.

"Come on, sexy, we gotta put an appearance in for the masses. Then maybe we can get some pancakes, or tacos." I grinned.

She was so sweet, and almost never predictable, except when it came to food.
10 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

Under the City of Angels [27 Jun 2005|04:31am]

[ mood | predatory ]

Angel and I make our ways down to the sewers of Los Angeles. I've brought my crossbow, several stakes, a cross, some holy water, as well as a loaded pistol, just in case. I step gingerly over the largest puddles. "What are we hunting today Angel?" I ask curiously. Though truly it doesn't matter, I'm up for anything. While the research, the translations, and the books will always be my main contribution to Angel Investigations, I have to admit the thrill of the hunt has gotten into my blood. Stalking and destroying evil at Angel's side, it makes me feel more like a man, makes my blood sing in my ears and heart pump with excitement. "Unlucky is the demon that comes across us today, hmmm? Two virile men in their element." I grin at him in the dim light.

((open for Angel))

28 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[26 Jun 2005|04:45pm]

[ mood | nervous ]

So I am supposed to go shopping and have a good time, this shouldn't be so hard. I don't know why it scares me on so many levels to leave the hotel, well ok I do know. I am scared that if I leave and something happens I will lose control and hurt someone. Thats the last thing I need, end up on the news because some mysterious thing happened and another man ends up skinless and all dead.

I can hear it now, the news report airs as a breaking news alert, interrupting everyones shows and they are already ticked about that then they hear about the crazy red head who in a moment of anger her hair turned black, along with her eyes, her skin went all veiny and she fileted the sales clerk at the local gadzooks because he didn't have the shoes she wanted. Yeah, that would go over real well with Buffy, not to mention Wesley would totally panic and run the other direction not ever wanting to be near me again. Thats why I see it as safer to stay in the hotel.

I could see that Cordelia wasn't going to allow this line of thought to even pass so I gave and let her lead me out of the hotel. I made a point to kiss Wesley one more time, I didn't want to go without that. Once I had kissed him and tried once more to talk my way into staying in the hotel, he pushed me out the door. I guess this was for the best, I just didn't see it yet.

I couldn't help it, I worried about what could happen.

[[open for Cordy]]

48 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[14 Jun 2005|10:53pm]

"No a little more to the right...No, No, there. Thanks Bob. You're welcome to stay and watch. No? Okay... Don't worry it's not like I'll kill you or anything if you don't...Oh, come on, joking."

Sighing, I shrugged my shoulders and settled further in my nice new italian leather chair.

I watched as Bob the furniture guy left the room and took the remote in my hand. Power. Play. Power-play, isn't that interesting? Have to laugh at that. Unless you know, you're Linwood, or Gavin, poor dear.

"Look at them all sitting around. Lilah's finally getting hers. Well that's right Lilah's finally getting hers. Getting what's rightfully hers...Here comes my favorite part.."

It is some good footage...Collapse )

"And then that blade in chair thing. Brilliant!"

I hit pause and grabbed a low fat chip from next to me, putting it into my mouth. "God this is great!"

I heard Gavin coming down the hall and quickly uncrossed my legs and lowered them from the desk, turning toward the door I flipped the tv off.

"So Gav, How's life been treating you? New boss is great. Don't you think? Come on now, don't be shy... I'm going to need your help on a project. Got a big old stack of papers over there to get you up to speed. And in case you get any ideas, they're not the originals. "

I paused for a moment as I waited for Gav to mull over what I was saying. I knew I should of used smaller words...

"Short of it is we're gonna resurrect an old enemy of Angel's. Holtz. Think you can handle that?"

I eyed him for a moment and then turned my attention the louzy job my manicurist did on my nails before letting out a sigh and glancing back to him.

"What am I saying. This is you. You can't even...Is there something you've come close to doing and failed at? Or do you just generally fail right away? Anyway you'll just handle the grunt work. I'll supervise. You can practice your sucking up. Now there's something you're good at. Or at least you were. Really, I'm gonna have to check off the doesn't play well with others box on your monthly review if we keep up at this rate."

Whether he was unamused, frustrated, or constipated, I don't know... Didn't really care. After a quick look at my computer screen. (Seems I had received a message.) I looked back at him.

"And Gav, read those files carefully. This is a simple job. Don't screw it up."
Rewrite The Season

[06 Jun 2005|07:55pm]

Wes and I finish talking and I go back in, looking for Cordy. I'm glad Wes feels like he can talk to me about things like that. After everything with Connor, it's good to be bonding with him again. I hope that he will come to me if he needs help with Willow.

I smile at Cordy. How is it possible that she is so beautiful all the time. "Hi." I walk in and sit beside her. She's got Connor, and seeing the two of them together makes everything else seem like a distant past.

I look back and forth between her and Willow. I heard some of their conversation, in between talking with Wes, but I don't know how much they know I heard. I mean sometimes people forget that I have the really good hearing. "So....?" I ask, hoping they will do the talking. And I can just do the easy stuff, like hold Cordy's hand, and look into her eyes.

After a few minutes, I start to wonder about Fred. You know, it's getting kinda late in the day, maybe I should check on her. Just see if she needs someone to listen. I mean, I know she's got Gunn, but maybe she needs someone who can relate to having killed someone.
28 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[27 May 2005|12:45am]

[ mood | cheerful ]

Angel and I woke up in each other's arms, this morning. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

I was laying half on top of him. My left leg was in between his muscular legs and I was draped over his upper body with my head cradled under his chin. My arms crossed his chest. He's clad in boxers. Me? I'm in Angel's t-shirt and his boxers.

Although, I was there in his arms and more happy than anything, I couldn't help but go over the images in my head from last night at the University. I still didn't believe it happened. I hope Fred's okay, and that Gunn talked to her last night. I'll check on her later. I have to give her time. Right now, we need to get our lazy butts' up and go get Connor. I haven't seen him all night.

I reluctantly wake up Angel. He looks so cute sleeping.

He finally wakes up, after I start giving him butterfly kisses all over his face. "Wake up, sleepy head. We need to go get Connor. I miss him and I know he would want to see his daddy too", I say to him smiling.

We get up, get dressed and head toward Connor's room.

I open the door and see Willow and Wes.

"I guess someone beat us to it. Morning guys!", I say to them

[[open for Angel, Willow, and Wes]]

42 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

A New Day Dawns [20 May 2005|12:33am]

[ mood | chipper ]

After getting dressed and going back to Willow's room, we moved her things into my room. She still seems nervous about her place here, but we all were when we started and now we are a family, so I feel confident it will all work out for the best. We go downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast, Willow said she was not very hungry so I just made tea and toast. We go back upstairs and I look over my desk, not a heavy workload right now so I go over Cordelia's filing system with Willow. She is amused by the seeming unlogic that is the logic of Cordelia as I was. I pull her into a hug, so glad that I don't have to spend another achingly painful day with my lonely heart, that I now have Willow to give me warmth, solace, and love. I start kissing her, slowly at first, over her cheek, down her throat, feeling her respond eagerly. I pick her up in my arms and go over to my desk, sitting down and settling her in my lap. She is so small and beautiful, like a china doll. "Love you Willow." I whisper in her ear, rubbing the small of her back.

((open to Willow, Angel, Cordelia, Gunn, Fred, and anybody else at the Hyperion))

30 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[17 May 2005|01:27pm]

I didn't remember leaving the lab or getting in a car, or being here now. It was all a big blur. All I could think about was that I killed a man. A horrible man who deserved to be hurt, yes, but not to die.

I killed someone. When I was little, there was a murder not far from my house. My mom was scared, and she made me stay indoors. I remember police officers coming to our house and talking to my parents. I remembered thinking about what kind of person would murder someone.

I murdered someone. I heard Charles talking, but that old scratched record kept repeating itself in my brain. He mentioned getting cleaned up. Yes, I must get the blood off. God, I'm a fugitive now. The police will be looking for me.

"Yeah, I need to get cleaned up." I didn't even think about it, I just stood up and started to take my clothes off. They had blood on them. I didn't want to drop them on the floor and get blood in my room.

I held them in my fingers. "Charles...don't let them touch the floor. I can't have his blood on my floor." I said, trying not to panic. He took them from me. Then a wave a nausea hit me, and I was running for the bathroom, kneeling over the toilet and everything came up more than once. It seemed like my stomach couldn't stop spasming.

[Open to Charles]
21 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[09 May 2005|07:25pm]

We had made our way back to the hotel separate from the others. Which in a way, was good. I didn't think she really needed to deal with all of us right now. Course the awkward silence may have proved me wrong. After making our way quietly up the stairs I tried my best to reassure her and calm her down. That wasn't really working, but eventually that whole fugue state kicked in.

God, Can't believe I just stood there and let my girl kill a man. I should have stopped her. I could've stopped her. It was within my reach. They were within my reach. I just...didn't think she'd, you know, do it. She's Fred. She's everything good and right with the world. And I just stood there and let her make the biggest mistake of her life. Yeah, I'm pretty much feeling like I'm good for pretty much nothing at the moment. Of course however bad I'm feeling, I know Fred's feelin' it a million times worse. And I could've stopped it. I just didn't. Now...She doesn't deserve this.

I sat at the foot of the bed with her. "Fred it's gonna be okay. It's just look...doesn't change anything." Okay, maybe that was a lie. It changed her, but. "You're still Fred. The same Fred we know and love. Just made a mistake, just a mistake is all, we've all...You should get cleaned up, take a shower, I'll take care of the clothes. Okay, Just shower. Maybe I can get you something for dinner. Never mind, that was insensitive, look just get cleaned up, and I promise, we'll find a way to deal with this."
1 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[09 May 2005|04:53pm]

Cordy and I come into the lobby of the hotel through the courtyard. I'm sweaty, dirty, and I smell like blood and clorox. Cordy's hair is hanging in her face and she looks tired... But, she's still so beautiful.

I wish it hadn't happened at all, but I really wish it hadn't been today. I've waited too long, hoped for too long, that the day would come that Cordy and I could be together. Then, when the day finally comes, this happens. But, I shouldn't feel bad for us. I should feel bad for Fred. I sigh. Then I realize, as much as I want to help Fred, I'm angry at her, too. Not for what she did to the professor... he deserved it, but for what she did to herself. But I know, if I'm going to help her, I can't let myself feel it. I smile sadly at Cordy.

Cordy and I walk over to the front desk. I take off my coat and lean against the desk. My voice is hard and emotionless. Can't let myself feel. "I should have stopped her. I had the chance... and I froze. I didn't think she'd really do it." My eyes flick up at Cordy. "You think we should talk to her?"
32 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

Fearing the inevitable. [08 May 2005|08:24am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

When I arrived I never thought that I would feel as good as I do now. I was weak, and tired and stressed, not to mention starving. I didn't eat anything last night, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to want to eat anything, which I could tell pained him, but I couldn't help it. I didn't expect though that I would feel so comfortable in his arms, the arms of a man....they warmed me, something that I didn't think possible of this weak shell of a former nerd, someone who said she could never feel for a man again.

For the first time since...since Tara died I was actually able to relax in someones arms and not worry about what they will think about me. Not worrying about what they will think about the girl who let the darkness take over and allowed me to kill people. Mind you Rack and Warren weren't the best kind of people, but I am not a god, I don't decide who lives or dies when they are human. I just wish that I could take all of that back, make me something other than a murderer...though if I could, I wouldn't be here in the arms of a man that actually cares. I guess with the bad comes the good...really good.

I don't know how long I actually slept after Wesley made love to me..but when I woke up he was holding me as if his life depended on it, as if he were to let go I would slip away never to be seen again. It is funny, but I don't think I could live away from him now. When I first arrived, I was considering running away, considering finding a seedy motel and just starting over there, somewhere where no one could judge me for my past. I considered letting the fear control me, hell it has for so many years. Why should I let it go now? Why should I let go of the one constant in my life?

You would think that I would learn how to be alone, and push away the love of anyone by now...with Oz leaving, Tara dying, Buffy, Xander, Dawn and whoever else turning their backs on me, but no. I look at the one good feeling I have had in months and I cling to it, knowing the risk involved and not caring. I know that once Wesley wakes up and realizes who he just made love to he will run away like everyone else..he has to. I mean how could anyone love me? Me a hopeless nerd full of dark powers she still is scared to use...how could anyone love that?

I fear his leaving, though it is inevitable, but I can't ignore the way I feel right now. I have never felt more at home and safe in my life. I guess I will just hold on to it as long as I can and pray that when the day comes he realizes he doesn't want me that he atleast gives me warning of his leave, not like I can ask for anything more.

[[open for the sleeping Wesley]]

27 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[26 Apr 2005|11:15pm]

[ mood | shocked ]

Angel pulled me out of the room and into the hallway, after killing the demon. We didn't know what was going on. "Angel, we need to go back in there. They might need our help. Why did you drag me out of there?!?", I snap at him with tears in my eyes.

I understand he wants to keep me safe, but that doesn't mean to pull me out of a situation that our friends are in. They need us. Who knows what Fred is capable of. I mean this was the man that sent her to Pylea. Of course, she would be out for vengeance. I can't blame her.

Oh god, I was scared to go back into the room. We have to go back in.

"Angel, let's go. We need to help them", I say as I grab his hand and walk towards the room.

As I open the door, the first thing I see, is blood all over the floor. Professor Seidel lies there, dead with an arrow in his neck. I look up and see Fred and Gunn standing there. Fred has blood all over her face.

"Oh my god", I whisper. I move closer to Fred and Gunn. "W-what happened?"

[[open to Angel, Gunn and Fred]]

13 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[24 Apr 2005|08:41pm]

I sat at my desk this morning, idly twirling a pen inbetween my fingers. I was supposed to be in court this afternoon defending a client who just so happened to be a very nasty demon named Sid. The proceedings were delayed until next Thursday though, due to a juror being mysteriously .. incapacitated.

Besides my court duties, there was of course that other lingering responsibility that I had to address - the one regarding Angel and his little club of sidekicks. I'm sure by now Lilah had her own plans to worm her way into that situation, and as per normal she would probably end up in Linwood's good books for whatever meager effort she put in to keep tabs on that bunch.

Why no one ever recognized my efforts was beyond me, and one of these days I was going to come up with something so good it would overshadow anything Lilah has ever done. I didn't know exactly what it was I was going to do, but it had to be something good. I mean, I couldn't just go there and kill Angel, or HAVE him killed for that matter, because I knew the firm had him in their sights for the bigger scheme of things.

I'll come up with something eventually. I did afterall, have sitting on my desk currently the blueprints to the Hyperion Hotel. It was a start, and quite possibly could lead to an idea. I mulled over them for awhile, continuing to twirl my pen in my hands.
Rewrite The Season

Hell hath no fury like a Fred scorned [18 Apr 2005|10:04pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

I was furious, no beyond furious. I couldn’t believe that
the very reason for my five years in hell was a man that I used to admire more
than anyone else on this planet. I would do almost anything for him, a man so
brilliant, a man that made me think I was so smart and could go so many places
because of how smart I am.

I went and told Angel and Charles, and they immediately
tried to calm me down, saying that Dr. Seidel would get what was coming to him.
The problem is that the both of them were playing big strongman superhero, got
to save the damsel who’s now pissed off because there is one thing that I am

Dr Seidel is MINE. He will die at MY hands, not theirs.

I got a crossbow from the cabinet, and they both, yet again,
tried to calm me down. I was so furious and frustrated I almost told them to go
screw themselves, but then that wouldn’t be good for Angel and the last thing
we needed was Angelus on the loose again. But they wouldn’t back down as much
as I wasn’t backing down.

So I decided to get sneaky. I pretended to give in, to say
that I would think about it. I even said I was going to lie down, and they
bought it, hook, line, and sinker. Men are so stupid, especially when it comes
to me for some reason. I guess I look so frail and helpless that they can’t
help but believe me. Idiots.

I went up to my room, waited, then snuck out, getting the
crossbow again. They weren’t going to stop me. I was going to do this. I had to
do this. I hailed a cab, and told the guy where to take me. I think the driver
was a bit freaked about the crossbow, but I didn’t care.

He made me feel special. In my whole life, all my big brain
had gotten me was teasing at school and living in a home with a lot of love,
but an inability to have conversations about the things I really wanted to talk
about because those things were over my parents heads, big time. I’m not saying
my parents are stupid, lord knows I love them to pieces, and they have
knowledge and experience that I will never have, but the look on their faces
when I would use big words that they had no idea what the meaning of them was,
it hurt a little. I would never tell them that, though.

But Dr. Seidel…I could talk to him about whatever I wanted.
I could write articles with confidence, I could do anything and he would lavish
his attention and praise on me, like I was the greatest thing since sliced
bread. And I ate it up, I loved it and I wanted more. Then I was in hell in
Pylea, and now I find out that he, the one I looked up to, the one that was my
mentor, had sent me there!

He was NOT going to get away with this! I was going to make
him suffer just as much as I had suffered. I wouldn’t kill him, wait, I would
open a portal and shove him inside, I would send him to a hell dimension WORSE
than Pylea! YES! That would be a punishment WORTHY of what he had put me

I finally got there, tossing money at the cab driver, and
stood there, moments from my confrontation with Dr. Seidel. I could do this. I
took a deep breath and went inside. I found him with his books, the jackass.

“Dr. Seidel. Let me get to the point. I know you sent me to
Pylea. You remember the phrase that payback is a bitch?” I said, aiming the
crossbow at his jugular. “Well I’m the bitch!”

[Open to Gunn, Angel, and Cordelia]

15 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

Get some rest? [18 Apr 2005|03:09am]

[ mood | blank ]

I didn't want rest, I didn't want to be here alone. I wanted people to quit leaving me behind. Ok so granted, I have some abandonment issues right now, but who could blame me?

I carefully climbed out of the bed and as best I could put the tray on the nearest table, then I went into the bathroom washing my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. Since Angel stormed off and Cordy followed, and Wes went to sulk and most likely check on Connor or do research or hell even drink tea, I decided I would also go.

I was going to wander the hotel, I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I should get used to my new...well I guess it is my new home, if you can even call it that. This whole fight is something I didn't understand anyway. Wesley is a good man and I know he cares, but he hasn't seen Angelus, we have, so does he really think that if Angel and Cordy thought there was an issue they would pursue this? I guess he just wants to make sure everyone is safe. Oh well it doesn't matter now what I think, he has said his piece and Angel is angry and Cordy is angry, I just wish everyone could get along. For now I will wander the hotel, get a feel of where I am staying and see what there is left for me.

This place wasn't half bad and after wandering the halls for a while I decided to go upstairs and see what was up there. The fourth floor was rather empty a few things littered the hallway, things that hadn't yet been discarded, but nothing major. I noticed some broken down doors and even one that had been chopped open, didn't understand that, but wouldn't ask.

I finally found a semi clean room and walked in finding a corner near a window. It probably wasn't the safest of rooms for me to choose, but hell I felt safe here so I guess thats all that matters. I did my best with my weakened state to pull a couch to the window area and laid down looking out, over the city that I now lived in. Guess I should get used to this.

[[open if anyone wants to find me..]]

39 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[17 Apr 2005|02:42pm]

Damn it, I shouldn't have let myself fight with Wes like that...But, he started it! I think as I stalk off down the stairs to the lobby. I force down my reaction to the whole thing, and turn my thoughts back to Cordelia. My mood brightens. I can't wait to see her and hold her. I know just having her in my arms will let me quit thinking about the scene upstairs with Wes. I wonder if I should go see her? No, she probably needs time to help Willow by herself right now. I sigh and close my eyes as I stand at the bottom of the stairs.

When I open my eyes, I see..."Lorne. And Connor! Hi guys!" I rush over to my son'sbassinet. "Hi, little guy! Are you and Uncle Lorne having a fun time? Your daddy has some very good news!" I pick up Connor and turn to Lorne, smiling. I wonder how much he can read from my aura without me even singing. I tell Connor, "Your daddy and your...Cordelia, who both love you very much, are together now! Yes, that's right!" I tickle Connor's tummy. "That's right."

I smile at Lorne again, waiting to see his reaction to the good news.

((open to Lorne and my beautiful Cordelia))
13 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

A Change [16 Apr 2005|02:14am]

[ mood | blank ]

I continued to lay still, laying there trying to show there was a change. It was now important that I show a change, if I changed, if I became whatever they wanted, they would take me back. All I had to do was change.

I didn't want food, I didn't want water, I just wanted to lay still and show them a difference in me. It isn't like I could eat anyway, I mean I hadn't for two days, why should I start now? I remember, the stewardess on the plane also begging me to eat something or drink something.

She tried to convince me that they would take me back, that they would see a change, hell it even gave me hope enough to sleep. Thing is that it was all a lie, they didn't take me back, they didn't see the change, so this brings me back to where I started, I need to show them a change.

What kind of change is it that they want? what is it they need to see that will prove that I am a different person now? Giles says I can't just give up the magicks, so what do I do to prove to them? I could do a spell, but then that wouldn't show a change, that would be falling back on old habits. I could plead, but do they really want to see that? Most likely they don't want to see me begging on the door step....

I have come to the conclusion that the only way to show them a change is to lay here still, not moving a muscle, gotta show the change. I still have to wonder though, is this going to be enough? will any of this make a difference? I don't know, but I have to try, I have to get them back, I have to change.

[[Open to Angel, Cordy, and Wes]]

10 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[15 Apr 2005|07:09pm]

Okay, definately a bit odd suddenly seeing Willow in the lobby again. But I guess things around here are always changing and I just need to learn to go with the flow.

Either way, maybe it'd be a breath of fresh air. Not that having Freddles join the gang wasn't, but I guess it can't hurt to have more than one. Lots of breaths. Because... that's breathing. And that, was definately a really bizarre simile. Forget I ever said it.

Anyhow, I had the little Nipper in my arms, because that's really what I do these days. I go from top notch stage performer to a vampire's babysitter. Go figure. Oh well, at least it excused me from any battle duties, heaven forbid I pick up a crossbow and have at 'er.

After i'd had my run-in with Wesley and Willow, I continued my way down the stairs to the lobby. Connor's bassinette was behind the desk, so I carefully laid him down in it. He was looking a bit sleepy, and hopefully he'd use this time to have a bit of a nap so I could catch up on my drinkin'.

If I was lucky, i'd be in for a quiet day. Which around here? Never happens.
Rewrite The Season

[15 Apr 2005|07:41pm]

I open the door and ask Angel and Cordelia to keep Willow company while I go down to the kitchen to fix her some food. I am very worried about her condition, she is obviously worn out physically and emotionally. She is welcome to stay as long as she wants with us, I'm hoping it will be for awhile. I am looking forward to getting to know her better, even in the short time I have spoken to her, I can feel we have a connection, though what kind I don't know yet. She is stirring up things in my heart that had been quiet for a long time, buried in work and responsibility and my sense of duty to Angel and his mission.

I notice that the kitchen is kind of a mess, indicating that Cordelia had been down here recently. Probably with Angel. I sigh and tidy up, putting the kettle on the stove and deciding that I would make scrambled eggs too, and toast with jam. Hopefully that would perk up Willow. The kettle whistles and I make her some strong tea with lemon, gather the food and cup on a tray and make my way back upstairs. I push the door open. "I hope you feel like eating Willow."

((open to Willow, Angel and Cordy))
35 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[15 Apr 2005|02:30pm]

[ mood | cheerful ]

I pulled up to the Hyperion. Angel was right behind me. I smiled when I looked in the rear view mirror. Finally, we confessed our love. It feels good. No interruptions or anything. That never happens within our little Angel Investigations circle. I'm still waiting for something to go wrong. Not with us. In general.

I get out of the car and walk over to Angel as he gets out of his car. Boy, is he a sight. My pupils automatically dilate when I look at him. I grab his hand and intertwine them with my fingers. I look up at him and kiss him softly on the mouth. "Come on, champ. Let's go in, and I can make you a nice warm cup of O positive", I paused. "Then, we can do some more cuddling and kissing. How does that sound?", I said to him smiling.

We walk hand-in-hand into the hotel and into the kitchen. No one seemed to be home.

[[open to Angel and everyone]]

8 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

So much to prove... [12 Apr 2005|04:08am]

[ mood | anxious ]

I sit here waiting, waiting for the cab to arrive. You would think that I was used to waiting by now. I have been waiting for months to see if I was ready to go home, waiting to find out if Buffy, Xander and Dawn will take me back in as a friend. Every scenario played out in my head, the one where they welcomed me back, where they understood the pain of losing Tara took me over, and then there was the one where they disowned me and told me they wanted nothing to do with me. Question is, what one will happen when I get off that plane in Sunnydale?

Giles told me that no matter what they would need me, they would need what was within me to fight whatever was coming, so maybe I will be accepted back by default. I guess only time will tell. I managed to board the plane, finding my seat and got comfortable without even focusing on any of it. All that I could think of was what was going to happen when I knocked on Buffy's door.

And so it continued.Collapse )

[[Open for Wesley]]

29 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

[12 Apr 2005|03:29am]

It's a windy night and I stand at Point Dume, looking out over the cliff at the sand and water. I'm trying to be patient. It's only just now an hour since I talked to her. But I keep picturing her, how beautiful she is, and I start to feel the anticipation welling up again. Shouldn't get my hopes up. Shouldn't be thinking that Cordelia might actually have feelings for me, too. So, I force myself to wait, and look out into the night.

I'd been thinking about it for a while...me and Cordy. Didn't even know what I was feeling at first. Then Lorne said something about it and Fred. I just hope they're right...and I'm right. I've probably been in love with her for years now, and just never would let myself feel it. But, Connor opened my eyes to so much. It's okay to feel things. I don't have to be so shut off. Maybe I can even tell the woman that
I'm in love with about what I've learned.

"Cordy," I practice what I might tell her, "You're so strong and beautiful and you and I..." I shake my head "no." I start again. "Cordelia, we've grown to mean a lot more to each other..." I close my eyes, and then look out into the night. "Cordelia. I love you."
12 Rewritten** Rewrite The Season

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